Reminded To Grow

"I want to grow in _____." 

Over the course of my Christian life I have had so many thoughts and plans to grow in various attributes / aspects. When I came to know the Lord, I was eager to grow in my knowledge of Him and scripture. When I was engaged, I wanted to grow into a loving and godly wife. While pregnant, I studied and prayed to be a mother that was wise and dependent on the Lord. 

Growth comes easy when we plan and prepare for it. We set aside time to read and pray; sharing our struggles with our friends. In obedience to the Lord we find victory over sin and great encouragement in laying aside weights and sin and pursuing God's will for us in obedience to His word in our lives. 

But what happens when we have conquered something that seemed like a huge struggle at the time? When our instinctive reaction (by grace alone!) has changed from one of sin to one of patience and love? Well, upon examining my life, after I am out of the heat of the battle what happens is - habit. This is a good thing, but I have seen how it can be dangerous. I settled into marriage, prioritizing communication that is helpful for Ian and I to understand each other best, and we flow along in harmony. Or looking at my  journey into motherhood - in the early weeks of having a newborn, I was so (like soooo) sleep deprived, but by Gods grace, determined to fight for reliance on Him. But now, I have a baby who sleeps 12 hours and naps well, so it all seems a little less intense.

Planning for new seasons and anticipating how we need to grow is a great virtue. We can all agree it is foolish to not "count the cost" of the seasons we know are coming.  What I wrestle with most is opportunities to grow that blindside me - AKA things don't go as I planned; I get my feelings hurt; the day ends and I haven't accomplished nearly what I needed to. Often what creeps into my heart and habits during seasons of "routine" and things going as expected is forgetfulness. I am forgetful to pray prayers of need and reliance when what I "need" is right in front of me. Forgetful to run the race with endurance.

So, last night when I got home with Logan after a really long day that included a 5 a.m. wake up call, Ian starting work on a different schedule, trying to pack for an out of town trip, and Logan didn't settle into dreamland until an hour and a half after we got home - feelings of despair welled up within me. I thought to myself "I don't even know how I am going to make it through our trip these next few days!" Thankfully the Lord does not leave us in despair, and so as I prayed for strength (and lets be real, I prayed for sleep too!), He reminded me of a prayer I prayed nightly several months ago. When Logan was first born, I would get into bed and immediately calculate how many hours of sleep I had already, and how many were likely to come before the day started. Well, guess what?  It was super depressing, especially when the numbers added up to something I could count on hand. So I prayed to change my focus instead. When I would hold my precious boy after our nighttime feedings, I would use that time to pray for his salvation and future, rather than just thinking about how tired we both were. Then, when I would make my way into bed, I would thank the Lord for the very undeserved blessings he had poured out on me already, and thank Him that He would provide the exact amount of sleep - to the second - that I needed to work heartily unto Him the following day, and to care for my family. This change in perspective worked on my heart to bring me from a place of wanting to control and organize my life to a place I thought it should be, to entrusting it to my faithful and ever-kind God. I actually was kind of sad when that season passed. I say "kind of sad" because I do enjoy being well rested ;). 

This attitude of reliance was easier to cling to when I felt my world had been turned upside down. But oh, how my feeble mind has forgotten to DAILY entrust my life, no matter the circumstances, to my God who is faithful to supply every need (Philippians 4;19). I need to remind myself to pursue growth, even when circumstances surprise me and all I want to do is "fix".  I hope to pray more prayers that echo Christ's prayer of "not my will be done, but your will!" Rather than "Dear God, please fix this for me so I can do x, y and z."

I hope you are having a Happy Monday! 

XO, B