Did you know April is C Section Awareness month? It is a special time where organizations around the globe promote awareness about what c sections are, why they happen, and the effects they have postpartum. On average 40% of pregnant women will undergo a c section - that's a huge percentage! Of all the blog posts I've ever written, this by far is the most vulnerable. It has been on my heart for a while to share some details of my experience with cesarean birth, in hopes that another mom searching google frantically can find solidarity.
Just over a year ago I shared details of Logan's Birth Story here on my blog. That post was more of a start to finish of labor, delivery, and the first few days postpartum.
Preparing for birth, and even during labor, I really didn't think I would have a C-Section. I can honestly say it wasn't a naive thought like "that will never happen to me", but more of a confidence in my body, and seeing no red flags pointing me down that path, I just kept my sights on the natural and vaginal birth I had planned. I labored from start to completion (full dilation + effacement) in about 8 hours. Since Logan was my first, this was a pretty quick time and I was glad everything was going well. That night at the hospital the maternity ward was very full of laboring mothers, and because my contractions were so strong and consistent (2 mins apart max.), and Logan's heart rate strong and steady, I was left to labor mostly alone. After an epidural and 3 hours of pushing, I asked about them potentially using a vacuum to assist his delivery because position was making it hard for him to squeeze out. My doctor recommended c section because he was concerned about a shoulder dystocia. Upon hearing that he may have to break Logan's shoulder in the process, I felt completely at peace with the decision to go to surgery.
Up until this point time had moved so. slow. At this point it all sped up and moving rooms, prep for surgery, and being separated from Ian seemed like a blur.
I think when we as c section mamas share our birth stories we leave these details out because it is kind of awkward to recount, and people react in many ways. In the long run, I think it is helpful for anyone to know that what happens in the OR isn't cut and dry, and has so many lasting imprints on the mother who has her baby that way.
I had had the same nurses my whole time at the hospital, so being in the OR with them was slightly comforting. They made small talk and got things ready efficiently and in an upbeat manner. By this time, my body was starting to shake uncontrollably - partly from my epidural, and partly from the exhaustion of all that had transpired beforehand. They handed me a small cup to drink which contained a mixture that would neutralize my stomach acid in the case that I threw up - which I did about 30 seconds after drinking the concoction. They had me lay down, and the anesthesiologist administered some kind of pain reliever. At this point they put the curtain up, which was so close to my face it kept touching my lips. I could feel this making me claustrophobic and anxious, so I just tried to practice my birth breaths, and I found that if I turned my head to the side I had more room which helped.
My doctor was asking if I felt pain or pressure when he touched my skin with a scalpel. Three times I answered pain. I'm not sure how much of this was mental or not, because I think I anticipated pain, knowing my abdomen was about to be cut open. I remember saying "Please don't start yet, I can feel that" and hearing my voice be frantic for the first time that day. There was silence for a while and then as Ian came in I could feel the pressure of the first incision being made. It didn't hurt, but you also can feel very well the movements the surgeon is making. Right as I felt my surgery starting, Ian came into view, and sat beside me. We talked briefly, and he held my hand.
I shared this in my birth story originally, but when they opened up my uterus, it became apparent that Logan's head was "wedged into my pelvis" to quote my operative report. This moment stands out most in my mind because it was the most painful part of my labor, delivery or recovery. The doctors began to try to pull him out, but with each pull my whole bone structure was moved as well. I think I began almost squirming from the pain when they stopped, and then pulled twice more and then it was all over. It was the biggest relief to have him out of me. I looked at Ian, who was looking at the nurse holding Logan, and we heard a squeak. Ian said "he is breathing!" and I remember smiling. I was still shaking and moving uncontrollably and I remember hearing my doctor ask for the anesthesiologist to sedate me. The implications of this were that I didn't see Logan until he was one hour old. Everyone is different, but I am fine with how it went, and would much rather have been sedated and knocked out in that moment over anything else. I think my body and brain really needed that time to reset.
My recovery was honestly so smooth, and for that I am thankful. I felt energized, happy, and didn't need to take any pain medication beyond two extra strength tylenol the first day post op. I know this is not the case for everyone, and I had many women reach out and offer support and encouragement as postpartum depression is more common among c section patients.I look back at my experience and am thankful to be healthy now and have a healthy little boy in my arms. I have talked and written with many women who have had cesarean deliveries who are really hurt by how people respond to their story. People are very quick to say "well, healthy baby is all that matters." This is true in one sense, but since my baby doesn't define me, it is definitely not all that matters.
I think all moms who have surgical birth go through some kind of mourning period over what was not. For months it felt almost like I was lying to say that I had given birth, because a c section doesn't feel like birth in some way, it feels like surgery. I had well meaning people make comments about Cesarean birth that made me feel guilty, to the point I would go home cry while asking myself so many questions of "What if I had just ___?" I know none of the people meant to sound hurtful, but I still had to work through these comments. I am thankful people are trying to bring more awareness to this most precious surgery, and hope that people can be better listeners and support for women who are struggling in the aftermath of this issue, and to make women who have yet to give birth more awareness going in to birth about pros, cons and everything in between.
Originally I was told that I was not a VBAC candidate due to the fact that I have what is called a "special scar." I have an inverted T incision due to my sons placement and 'wedged head.' I was at peace with this, but at my 6 week appointment with my OBGYN I asked to reconfirm and he said "oh no! You can have a trial of labor, but there is more risk (than if I had never had a c section)." This was so encouraging! I filed it away and decided to research more in the spring. I tried to learn more about the inverted t scar and find a provider who specialized in this area. I was so nervous going in to it, and for me, this was my mourning period. I cried thinking that maybe I could never have a non surgical birth, but then came to terms that whatever was best for me, the Lord would make obvious. I read all the case studies on this issue (if you are seeking information on this, the Landon study is fantastic!). I sought out every midwife and VBAC friendly doctor in the greater Los Angeles area, and you know what? I only received one negative response from a birth center who doesn't have the capacity to accommodate VBAC's. This was SO encouraging and empowering, and I am thankful I sought out so many professionals because I have peace for the future.
Probably the biggest blessing though this process was finding a group of women on Facebook who are a support group for those who have had "special scar" Cesarean's. There are inverted t scars, inverted j, upright t, upright j, classical, plus sign, and so many other kinds of marks left from surgery. This and so many other details affect future births and the course of treatment taken with each patient. But in all of this I didn't see merely a group of women who had special scars, I saw a group of women who love their children and want what is best for them. I think society has put pressure on women who have surgical birth to almost have to validate their love for their children by. at times, making it seem as if they let them down in the biggest moment of their life. Reading their stories of shame, guilt, and sadness broke my heart for these women who ache to just push their baby out as nature intended.
I hope this post encourages those who have had c sections in the past, and provides solidarity for them, and encourages those who hear these c section birth stories to be gracious and kind while listening, and surround each women, no matter the kind of birth she had, with love and care.
Motherhood leaves us vulnerable from the beginning, and I am reminded of Psalm 118:8 -
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man."
Children are a gift, and God gives us grace and wisdom to cling to as we birth, raise, and nurture them well.
If you are a woman who has had a special scar and would like to join the Facebook group I mentioned above, please write me a message in the contact tab above and I would be happy to connect you.
XO. B
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