Lessons I've Learned | My First Year of Marriage

Last Tuesday Ian and I celebrated our first anniversary. I am sure everyone feels the same way, but it's crazy how fast time has gone by; it feels like just yesterday we were going out on our first date, or counting down the days until our wedding, which felt like it would never come. People said a lot of things about what we should expect during our first year of marriage. Some of their sentiments were encouraging, while others were daunting and seemed insurmountable. Below are just some things the Lord has taught me over this past year, and I am thankful for many more lessons to come. 

I. Expectations are not your (or your spouses) friend.

"The first year of marriage will be the hardest." I think everyone, everywhere has heard that phrase at one time or another. Hearing this advice while engaged, it seemed unfitting and somewhat odd. I wondered to myself, how, and why would our relationship transition from one that took work, yet brought so much joy and peace to both of us, to something we spoke of with a sense of loathing? The idea of this was something that saddened me and that I desperately didn't want to happen. Not just for the sake of being able to say I had a marriage that I enjoyed, but because I knew that this perspective  was born out of a our fallen nature, not a flaw in God's design. The truth is, that your marriage is just that, YOUR marriage. My experience is vastly different from some of my friends, and you who are reading this will have a different experience from mine. However, our mindset plays a huge role in how we approach life, and especially marriage. Expecting the first year of marriage to be extremely hard can allow us to not see strife in our relationship for what it really is, or to set aside the call of scripture to "keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."(1 Peter 4:8). Every new season of life stretches us, but in Christ, there is nothing more precious than when our sin is exposed. This is God's grace allowing us to see our weakness and be confirmed into His image as we confess and repent. I would encourage any engaged women to head boldly into marriage with an open hand. You are entering into a relationship that the Lord designed for your joy and good, and He will see you through it. Yes, we do need to continue to "work out our salvation with fear and trembling," but that is not a curse or thing to be dreaded, but a comfort that we have a Savior who has made a way for us to be like Him.

II.  "Every word of God proves true...."

...  he is a shield to those who take refuge in him." - Proverbs 30:5. Other than salvation, marriage is the biggest life transition I have gone through (duh, right?). I remember being struck deeply with the truths contained in this verse about two months after Ian and I got married. Not only did I see the fact that God does not disappoint when He promises that marriage is the "grace of life," but He showed me how much I really needed to rely on His grace moment by moment. Making dinner 7 nights a week, or cleaning on a schedule didn't make me a good wife, but only by Gods grace could I fulfill the role of a wife by pursuing the Lord first, and then my husband.  Cling to scripture. Seek out God's words like hidden treasure, and hide it's truths in your heart. There are SO many days where I feel like I have completely failed or don't know what to do, but on thing I am sure of is that turning to the Lord, in his Word or prayer is always the right answer, and builds a foundation to build a solid life on in the future.

III. Wear Rose Colored Glasses 

A wise woman in my life once said that often we go through crushes and dating with rose colored glasses, but rip them off when we get married and become very critical of our husbands when it really should be the other way around. The notion of ever wearing rose colored glasses can seem odd, but this perspective has been so helpful for me! Please don't get me wrong, the point wasn't that we should go about with an 'ignorance is bliss' perspective, but that we should love our spouse without reservation. Dating is the ideal time to think things over critically, to examine things and seek advice to make sure we are making a wise decision. When we are married, we have the freedom to love our spouse without inhibition or boundary,  Often times, the opposite happens; We give our affection and love freely to the man we are dating, but when we get married, we become critical of many small things, and end up tearing down more than we build up. Think of your love like a hose, each day of marriage you can choose to give your spouse a few drops of love when you feel like it, or when things fit into your ideal - or you can turn it up full blast and seek to make the most of every opportunity to shower your beloved with kind words, encouragement and acts of service. As 1 Peter 4:8 says, "love covers a multitude of sins", but what it doesn't address is preferences, We often make an issue out of things that really come down to our preference not being met, which boils down to selfishness.  It may take time to learn how best to work together and communicate well, but there is a covering of safety that love extends to everyone during the process of progressive sanctification, especially your 'one flesh' partner in life. It is so easy to sleepwalk through life, and forget the calling we have to love those around us radically, and choosing to have this kind of perspective has been helpful to just remember the blessing the Lord has given me in Ian, and to be purposefully thankful for him each day.

 I am 100% aware that I am still a marriage 'noob',  and there are many lessons left to learn in this life, but I hope my sharing these thoughts will provide some encouragement for anyone reading this.

XO.