I didn't have any clue what to expect having a baby would be like. I read a TON of literature, talked to many friends, and had been around babies most of my life, but still when I thought about life after Logan, I drew a blank. I think this was because you hear things that are all across the board when it comes to babies, so there's nothing concrete to latch onto until you're in the middle of it. At least that was how it went for me.
Being a mother is by far the biggest challenge I have faced in my life thus far. I don't mean the word "challenge" in the "my coworker is challenging.." kind of way, but more like summiting a mountain - something that is enjoyable and takes work, and is all together consuming. Thus far, motherhood has challenged me to lay my life and body down for another every moment of every day, to seek the Lord's strength in each changing minute, to wake up even when I want to sleep in (i.e. everyday), to make the most of every single moment, to learn how to prioritize my husband and home amongst a new found busyness, and most of all, to seek the Lord for forgiveness and help when I fail at any and all of the above.
In addition to being the biggest challenge, it has been such an amazing joy. I love cuddling with my baby, nursing him, giving him baths, and the million other things that come with caring for a child.
The other day I was holding Logan before his nap, and he was fussing. Completely exhausted, I thought to myself how much I wished he would sleep, so I could get some housework done and maybe sneak in a nap (LOL). In that moment of exhaustion the Lord brought the truth to mind that THIS is my job. Rocking and comforting a crying baby, MY crying baby, is my job. Getting up at 3 am to feed this little one, is my job. This is what I must devote my life to in a special, and unique way, each and every day. I was struck with the desire to parent Logan with the same excellence which I applied to my job before I had him. To not just check the boxes of "feed, diaper change, nap, etc." but to work for and with him to the best of my ability to teach him practical things, and raise him in the fear and admonition of the Lord. Not just racing toward the next thing I have to get done, but taking time to enjoy getting to know my son, and work to make the most of the time I have been given. This truth also affected my marriage - learning that even when I haven't slept more than 5 hours all week, sometimes you just need to stay up after the baby goes to bed to cuddle in bed and watch a movie. Loving and investing into our relationship even when it isn't easy has been more refreshing than a full night of sleep.
It has been so encouraging to put aside my "to-do" list mentality and just take each day with its unique challenges and joys. Some days I will get all my errands done with time enough to shower twice. And other days I will change my shirt 5 times because it's been spit up on, and not make the dinner I had planned. And that's okay! I want to work and focus to truly apply the command in Ephesians 5:15-16 to "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil." I want to spend myself for my Savior, husband, child, friends, and home, because that is how the Lord intended me to live my life. I want to have joy in figuring out how to best serve my child when he changes, and embrace the trial and error process.
The Lord used having a baby to expose this wrong perspective in my heart, but it had been there all along. I often forget the truth of Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." How easily I look to the things around me needing to be done or tended to, but not giving them over to the Lord in my heart, but rather being disappointed when I don't get them done, or trying to orchestrate other things so exactly that there is no way my day will end without all I had planned done, and my ducks neatly in a row. I know it is good to be driven by purpose and want to work at the tasks set before me, but it is better to be consumed with the Lords sovereign plan for each day, that my heart is flexible and joyful when things don't go as planned.
A few weeks after having Logan a friend encouraged me with this truth - that you need to do the best you can (caring for your child in this case), and leave the rest up to the Lord. I can't be all sufficient in my life or in my son's life, and if I try to be, I will end up sorely discouraged. There is freedom in living as God designed us, because we don't have to do it all. We will come up empty handed, not knowing what to do or say, or feeling like we don't know how we possibly will ever make it beyond this season, but the Lord has established our steps. Not merely ordaining them and letting us figure it out on our own, but making them sure and firm - established.
No matter what season you are in, I pray this truth encourages your heart as it has mine. We can go to bed at night clinging to the promise of Philippians 4:19 "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
XO. b
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